Resolve to Rejoice

I have been trying really hard this week to focus on positive things and appreciate my abundance of blessings. I have felt better and the blood pressure is staying pretty normal most of the time. The headaches have not been too bad since Tuesday and I've worked the last two days. It seems that the Lord has lifted my spirits this week and allowed me to breathe easier. I hope this continues and Randy and I can keep this resolution to be healthier and thankful.

I got news today that my first grader, Elijah, has beat his cancer a second time. His scans were clear. He is such a sweet boy and has been through such a tough battle. This is his second time to fight neuroblastoma and win. His family has a reprieve for a while now. It has been a struggle for his mom, dad and sister as well as Elijah. Praise be to God. Our prayers have been answered. I've included a picture of Elijah wearing his "beads of courage". Say a prayer of thanks with me.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

Saint Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Thinking Good Thoughts

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise...Then the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:8-9

I've tried all day to think of the qualities of my son and my life that are worthy of thankfulness. God has been good to our family and we've prospered in His loving care. I believe with all of my heart that God will lead us through these dark times into a light that exceeds anything we could imagine. We love you, Lord, and praise you for your gracious gifts and love for your children. We only need to keep our eyes focused on You and we'll triumph according to Your will. "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:5

Message from Trav

Today I received an e-mail from Laura's mom, Tina. She told me that she'd visited a clairvoyant in Jonesboro. Tina explained that her daughter was a runner and that she'd been running more since her boyfriend's death. Laura had recently had a dream. She was very upset when she shared the dream with her mom. Travis was trying to show her that he was okay and peaceful and that he will continue to come until she finds peace even if it upsets her. What is done can't be changed and when the time is right, God will send her a loving person to be with. Travis doesn't want her to be so sad and knows she can't understand that control is not in the hands of humans but in the energy of God and that it was his time to go. She also told Tina that the place of the shooting was a family business. He said to tell his mom and dad that he was okay and that he had come to see you. "It isn't a dream of me, I am there when you see me asleep, I love you all." He said that he'd been trying to send signs that he was okay. Tina said that she did not tell her anything about the death or the location. She was adamant about Tina passing the message on to us.

I did have a very real dream of Travis after his death. He came to me and I said, "Don't you know that you're dead?" He replied, "I know Mama, but it's okay. I love you." He gave me my hugs and kisses. When I awoke the next morning, I was extremely upset that he was gone, but very happy that I'd seen him and heard his voice. I could feel his hugs. It was so real! I know that all of this sounds hard to believe, but I truly had an awesome experience. That was interesting that she referred to that visit. I felt like I needed to share this with all of you.

Thanks for the Prayers

Your prayers really helped! I was at work every day except Thursday this week. I completed all of my classes by Friday morning and felt like I had accomplished a lot. The Dr. has adjusted my meds and the blood pressure is remaining pretty normal, but I keep having a headache. I don't know if the meds are causing this or my stress.

Randy and I spent the day driving around and running errands. I always enjoy our time together. I'm looking forward to going to Maumelle tomorrow to make more measurements for things that we need. We've had pretty good luck with the free ads in the newspaper. We've sold bedroom furniture and the Teeter Hangups gadget I bought for my back and never used. We need to look around and find some more stuff that's just collecting dust.

A Good Day at Work

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support. I was able to work today and actually accomplished a lot. It felt good to be there and stay busy. I know my coworker is always happy to see me when she arrives. It gets pretty crazy around the counseling office during the school day. I tried to reach the nurse practitioner at the cardiologist office today to give her my readings, but had to leave a voicemail. Maybe I'll hear back from her tomorrow. My blood pressure is still running high and I don't understand what in the world could be causing such a thing. :) It was good to visit with Laura Gentry today. She came by after work and brought me a couple of books to read. Her mom stopped by last weekend and brought a cherry tart while it was still warm. Yum! I posted a picture of the flowers Randy and I placed on Trav's crypt in case some of you haven't had a chance to make it to the cemetery lately. I guess at the end of this month we'll put in a new arrangement for the spring. It's such a little thing, but somehow I feel like I'm doing something to honor my son. He deserves so much more. You're the best, Trav.

We Took the Plunge

No, we didn't go swimming. Today we met with the agent at Maumelle and made our final deposit on building our patio/townhome. He expects that the building should begin in a few weeks and that it will be finished by the end of the summer. All of you start praying really hard that our home sells for a fair price within that time frame and we are able to finish all of the little repairs by the end of February. We need to get it listed by the first of March, I'm sure. Our offer for painting practice still stands. We've got two bathrooms and our bedroom to get painted. Randy's been working for 4 days on removing the wallpaper in the front bathroom. It's been a tedious job and he's finally coming close to the end of that phase. I imagine by next weekend he'll be ready to start painting. There's a ball tournament the last weekend in March, so I'd love for him to finish before then. I've been having some problems with my blood pressure and the cardiologist has me monitoring my bp each am and pm before my medicine. After I call in the results this week, they'll make a decision about necessary changes. Pray that I can stay well for the remainder of the school year. I'm sick of my paycheck being docked every time. We have standardized testing coming up and middle school registration. I need to be at work. Pray, Pray, Pray, please.

Hi, Trav

I had to talk to you today. I've been helping Dad clean out the closet in your old bedroom and I have found all kinds of interesting things. You take after your dad too much. You've saved everything whether it was useful or not. I've especially been excited to find a tape of you playing the guitar and singing. It sure is good to hear your voice. I wish we had spent more time playing music together. I found a page with guitar chords. I may try to use it to be able to play your guitar I got you last year. I love the rich sound of it, but I doubt that I'll ever be able to play it as well as you did. You always seemed to enjoy playing and singing as much as I love to play the piano. Valentine's Day is coming soon and I've been looking at the cross charm you got me last Valentine's Day. I loved being with you when you picked it out. That was a special trip. But, you know, I enjoyed every second that I was around you. I feel like the luckiest Mama in the world. You gave me so much love and respect. I know in my heart that you were as certain of my love as I was of yours. Well, I guess I better close for now. I feel you with me each day, my angel. I love you dearly.

Mama

Frustrating Day

Boy, this has been a long day. I had some problems with high blood pressure this past week and the cardiologist wanted to see me this morning. Apparently, my heart rate was low this morning and possibly the medicine I'm taking at night could be causing headaches and the low blood pressure. I'm supposed to monitor my pressure twice a day before I take my medicine and then report back to the cardiologist the readings. There might be some changes to my meds as a result. What a mess! I had to miss work today because the low blood pressure made me sleep all day.

Yesterday was Becky's birthday and we met Becky, Paul and Steve for lunch. Steve surprised her by inviting us and we enjoyed the time together. Happy Birthday, Becky! We love you. We also drove out to Maumelle and looked at the model of the townhome that we're purchasing. They seemed to like it and the area where it was located. Later, Caralee stopped by and visited with me for a while. It's always so relaxing to be around her. She'd been to a weekend retreat with ladies and shared with me the experience. It sounded like a very refreshing time. She also wanted to see the plans for the townhome.

Today Was Better

I was right. Today I accomplished a lot of school work and feel better about my goals at work. Randy went to the Home Show today and the Trojan game tonight. I rested a lot before I began on my school work. It was nice just to feel rested and complete some projects that I have been delaying. Randy is always so thoughtful and understanding when I have to have a little time to myself. I could not ask for a better husband. Travis could not have had a better Father. I'm very blessed.

Tomorrow will be Better

I'm not sure why today has been so hard. I haven't really felt like myself. It's one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. All I've been able to think about is Travis. I want to hear his voice and hold him in my arms. Looking at his pictures hasn't been any comfort. I know tomorrow will be better. I tried to occupy my time this evening by watching a movie that we were given for Christmas. It was very funny and distracted me for a couple of hours, but all I want to do now is sleep and maybe I'll see my baby in my dreams. God, please take some of this pain from my heart and help me to focus on my many blessings. Life shouldn't be so hard.

Life's Little Pleasures

My cousin, Gary, is the handsome dude on the left. He hit the jackpot when he found Tina.

Last night after Randy and I visited with Bob, our counselor, I met Jess for a pedicure. We had not been able to see Bob last week because all three of us were ill. Bob was not much better when we saw him last evening. I hope he gets started on his medicine right away so he can begin to shake that terrible cough and congestion. I felt so bad that he decided to meet with us and did not seem like he was really up to it. That's Bob, always thinking of others. We're so blessed that God led us to him after Trav's murder. He's been our guide through this ordeal at those times when we were unable to think about how to face another day. I'm so thankful that Randy is so comfortable with Bob and has developed a friendship with him that I feel certain will last long past our need for his counseling.

Jess met me at home right before time for our appointment at the salon. It's a good thing we were only going to the nail salon in Otter Creek. I don't think I would have made the appointment if it had been farther from home. She was at our house already when I finally made it through the traffic. It was so refreshing to visit with her and spend that time relaxing. As we were close to finishing our tootsies, the weather got really ugly! Randy called to make sure we were coming home soon. We bearly got in the door and the rain and wind hit hard. He had brought us barbeque from HB's and we both ate like we were starving. Jess got on the computer and showed us pictures of the snow-white labrador that she and Hartford are getting soon. The puppies are in Illinois and not quite ready for adoption, but they know they're getting a male from the litter. They are adorable! After the worst of the storm passed, Jess headed home. Tina had called while we were at the salon, so I returned her call after Jess had gone. She shared stories from the past weekend with two of her grandsons. She had me laughing so hard that Randy thought both of us were nuts. Tina is like a breath of fresh air. She always is mysteriously in tune with what I'm needing at the moment. She happens to call when I'm needing someone to listen; she has a way of lifting my spirits every time we talk. God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends. I am so undeserving of the caliber of saints He's placed around me. Thank you, God.

Reservation on Townhome

Today Randy and I went to the Mountain Terrace Estates in Maumelle and made a deposit to reserve a lot. There's not a plan to begin building on the property at this time. We're hoping we can sell our home quickly enough to not have two loan payments, but not so quickly that we have no place to live for several months. Jeremy, Meredith and Beverly toured a home like the one that we're planning to build. They seemed to like it and think that we would have plenty of space for our gatherings. We're counting on all of you to keep in touch and make a tradition of our annual celebration of Trav's life. This past week we were both so ill that we hardly spoke to anyone so it was good to get out of the house today and visit a little bit. We both have mixed feelings about making changes, but had planned to downsize sometime soon anyway. I'm sure God will lead us in the right direction. We'll leave this in His hands.


OUR TWO BABIES:)

Oh, This is What Food Tastes Like

Randy and I have been sick since Tuesday as I mentioned before. However, he's been better the last couple of days and has returned to work. I've not been able to keep any real food in my stomach until today. I've had half of a junior burger today. So far it's agreeing to stay and I'm just dealing with a severe headache. This week has been pretty miserable. I've missed every day of work except Monday. When I think of everything that needed to be done at work, my head hurts more. So I try not to think about that. Yesterday marked 8 months since Trav's murder. That may have something to do with this pain in my heart and head as well. It seems like yesterday. All of these months have passed and nothing has been completed in the court system. I want that part of this ordeal to be behind us. Nothing will bring my baby back to me, but at least I'll not feel stuck with wondering whether or not Andrew will receive any type of punishment for taking his life. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Stay in the moment, Karen. Tomorrow's worries will take care of themselves. OK, that's enough complaining. I've finally gotten some rest!